Expectations

Not much going on here, same ol’ thing, which isn’t so bad. It’s weird, though, because I’ve been in a kind of negative rut lately. For a couple of months now, I haven’t been able to put my finger on what, exactly, is keeping me from feeling a greater sense of contentment, or satisfaction, or whatever. My overall disposition has been a little off kilter. Nothing major, just not waking up with a smile, and kind of feeling discontent. I think I’ve finally figured out what’s going on.

For a while there, I lost that feeling of gratitude that I’ve been used to having wrapped around me like a blanket. When I first got sober, I can’t describe how grateful I was to be alive and have a second chance, or third, if you’re counting, to do something with my life and how every day was a gift. I was grateful for every little thing. I mean, I even found a reason to be grateful when my piece of shit Dodge broke down on I75 just north of Valdosta: it wasn’t raining on me as I was walking two miles to the next exit. And that kind of gratitude helped me stay humble.

Lately, the last few months, I guess I’ve been looking at my situation from the perspective of what I don’t have, and what I haven’t accomplished, and how things aren’t exactly as I’d have them be. And that’s my ego blowing up. It really is that simple, I think. My ego telling me I should have done this by now, or have that by now, and it’s all bullshit. That kind of self-imposed pressure and those kinds of expectations are too closely related to an ego-driven sense of entitlement, which is something I don’t like in other people, so it's definitely not the perspective from which I want to view the world.

The fact is I ought to feel damn grateful to be where I am and have what I have, and just take the opportunities that have been given to me and do the best I can with them. Those are the only expectations I should have. Do my best with the opportunities I’ve been given, and trust the outcome will be favorable, even if the outcome isn’t exactly as I drew it up.

If I can hold on to that feeling of gratitude and humility, pretty much every day is a good day.