I finally know what I want to be when I grow up. I want to be a philosopher. That would be a cool gig to have, but I don't know how well it pays, or how you even get the job. It would be amusing to sit in the bank filling out a form for a loan and in the space for Occupation write in Philosopher. On the income line put a question mark.
I thought about majoring in Philosophy, briefly, back when I was in college. I don't know if I ever even mentioned it to anyone, it was such a flash of a thought. I took a philosophy class and I think my roommate had some good weed at the time. It was a powerful combination, weed and abstract studies. I remember logic was involved, and I could get into those theories when I was in the right mindset.
I'll admit, I don't recall much from that class. For that matter, I don't remember much about any of my classes. Mostly I played a lot of raquetball and backgammon, smoked a forest of weed and drank rivers of whiskey, went on nightly coed round-ups, and attended class sporadically, at best.
A scholar, I was not. My education wasn't something I took very seriously at the age of nineteen, twenty. I'm not proud of it, that's just the way it was for me.
But I digress. My point is, most of what I know to be true and valuable in life, I've learned from experience. Hard lessons, for the most part, but every once in a while when I have my eyes open I learn from someone else's mistake.
So I've been philosophizing lately about the state of my existence. Maybe it was the tragedy at Virginia Tech this week that started me thinking about it. The images the last few days have been disturbing, no doubt, but this isn't another rant on that tragedy. It was a catalyst for me, though.
I didn't have the best week. In fact, the last two weeks haven't been very rewarding. I've just completed my first month with this company and I came out of the gate pretty strong. First two weeks I had some amazing luck. The last two weeks, though, my luck has gone sour. Nothing bad has happened, really, but nothing good. Today was particularly frustrating. Lots of activity, but no positive results. I've got one deal hanging in the balance this weekend, and I'll have an answer on Monday. If it goes my way, it'll be my second deal in the first month. A pretty good first month. If it doesn't, well... it just doesn't. It's out of my hands now. So, I was kind of wallowing in self-pity this afternoon and we all left the office a little early. I went to the gym and was soaking in the steam room, listening to the audio from the TV in the locker room, tuned in to Fox News. Talking about the shootings.
It was a reality check. I'm moping because things didn't go my way this week? What? Here I am sitting in the steam room at my gym after a good workout. I'm in very good health, to the best of my knowledge. My bills are paid and there's still some money in the bank. I have a job to get frustrated over. I have friends and family. I am sober today. What the hell am I moping about?
I thank my Heavenly Spirit for the clarity of mind to see things with this perspective, on the rare occassions that it occurs. I don't mean to minimize the tragedy by this juxtaposition, I use it to illustrate how trivial was the nature of my self-pity.
I don't always have this kind of peace and gratitude for my daily station in life, but it's what I strive for. I'm usually caught up in my own stuff, working and dealing with life in general, but every now and then I'll have a moment where I think, "This is all going to work out one way or the other, and I'm gonna be okay either way." I just have to get out of the way and let it happen.
When I stop and consider my experiences, good and bad, and look for any common truths, I'm able to see patterns in the flow of energy. So now I try to find the flow of the positive energy, the truth of the energy, and get in the current and go.
Easier said than done, but when I practice this philosophy, my life seems to go more smoothly.
So, I guess now I'm a freelance philosopher. Feel free to toss some change into the hat over there.