Expectations
Not much going on here, same ol’ thing, which isn’t so bad. It’s weird, though, because I’ve been in a kind of negative rut lately. For a couple of months now, I haven’t been able to put my finger on what, exactly, is keeping me from feeling a greater sense of contentment, or satisfaction, or whatever. My overall disposition has been a little off kilter. Nothing major, just not waking up with a smile, and kind of feeling discontent. I think I’ve finally figured out what’s going on.
For a while there, I lost that feeling of gratitude that I’ve been used to having wrapped around me like a blanket. When I first got sober, I can’t describe how grateful I was to be alive and have a second chance, or third, if you’re counting, to do something with my life and how every day was a gift. I was grateful for every little thing. I mean, I even found a reason to be grateful when my piece of shit Dodge broke down on I75 just north of Valdosta: it wasn’t raining on me as I was walking two miles to the next exit. And that kind of gratitude helped me stay humble.
Lately, the last few months, I guess I’ve been looking at my situation from the perspective of what I don’t have, and what I haven’t accomplished, and how things aren’t exactly as I’d have them be. And that’s my ego blowing up. It really is that simple, I think. My ego telling me I should have done this by now, or have that by now, and it’s all bullshit. That kind of self-imposed pressure and those kinds of expectations are too closely related to an ego-driven sense of entitlement, which is something I don’t like in other people, so it's definitely not the perspective from which I want to view the world.
The fact is I ought to feel damn grateful to be where I am and have what I have, and just take the opportunities that have been given to me and do the best I can with them. Those are the only expectations I should have. Do my best with the opportunities I’ve been given, and trust the outcome will be favorable, even if the outcome isn’t exactly as I drew it up.
If I can hold on to that feeling of gratitude and humility, pretty much every day is a good day.
posted by Wonderwood @ 6:38 PM
8 Comments
8 Comments:
One of the things that comes with the territory of living a normal life is that there will be good times and bad times. I'm just coming off a "down" period myself that hit for no reason I could see, lasted several weeks, and went away for an equally unexplained reason.
In Ironman, it's sometimes referred to as the Prozac patch-- the part of the race where doubt, exhaustion and frustration creep in and make you wonder if you should just give it all up. Funny thing is that if you just keep on moving, the feeling goes away.
Hang tough through your Prozac patch! I'm sure you'll come out the other side just fine. :-)
Thanks, Bunnygirl, you always shed a positive light on things. I'm coming out of it, actually. Once I finally identified the root of the problem, I've been able to start focusing on the right things again. As always, I appreciate you stopping by.
Hi WW,
I swear, you actually think and feel and notice more than most men I've known - or, let's put it this way - if they were ever introspective, they certainly hid it very well.
But I bet the women around you don't know about that, do they?
Thanks, Robin, I think. Some people might call it brooding, but I like introspection better. Seriously, though, I call it progress.
It was meant as a compliment, I promise.
I'm just saying I think if men let the women around them know they care about a lot more than the latest score (sport score, or otherwise) that would be a welcome thing.
And again I say - you're a sweetheart.
I know you meant it as a compliment, and I appreciate it. I'm just being a guy. You happen to catch the score of the Dawgs game last night? ;-)
Ha ha with the scores, Sport!
Hey sweetie- go on over to paca's blog, if you have time, and post a note in his comment trail about getting into the March Madness game thingie with us. BT talks about it on his blog as well.
Love,
Robin
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