Thursday, October 02, 2008

Changes

It's been a while since my last post, and many things have changed.

My father passed away two weeks ago.

I'm not going to tell a sad story, and this isn't a tribute post. I said the eulogy and that was hard enough; I'm not up for a tribute at this time. There are better ways to honor him.

In addition to the grief that everyone feels when they lose a loved one, there's also a strange feeling when both parents are gone. Kind of a detached feeling, like the last thread to your childhood is finally severed. I mean, I've been an adult for at least five or six years now, but when my parents were alive, I was still someone's kid. And there was some security in that. But now, the last vestige of that childhood security is vanished and it feels weird.

I have some big decisions to make. Normally, when I make big decisions I consult my father. I didn't always heed his advice. In fact, many times I didn't. Funny thing though; the older I grew, the more often I found myself agreeing with him. But, either way, I asked and listened to what he said. Now, that voice, the voice that was usually right whether I wanted it to be or not, is no longer audible. I have to seek to hear it in other ways.

And I think I do hear his voice. Not, like, in a crazy way. But for instance, tonight I was thinking about a situation I'm dealing with and some decisions I need to make, and I've been working through this for a week or so. Out of the blue, an idea popped into my head. Do it this way.

It was a different angle, perfectly feasible, and relatively simple. I liked it. And then I thought about what my dad would say if I presented the idea to him. He'd probably say, "Why didn't you see that angle from the git go?"

I could hear him say it.

So, I'll check it out tomorrow, work it through and see if it makes as much sense in the morning as it makes right now.

I guess I'll get used to it, after a while. The detached feeling, that is, not the voices.

So now life goes on and I know how to honor both my parents. One day at a time.

11 Comments:

At 9:12 AM , Blogger Sarah Laurenson said...

Hey Wood - So sorry to hear of your father's passing. Losing a close relative is very hard and has some far reaching effects. It might take years to process it all. One day, one step at a time and we can walk through anything.

 
At 5:29 PM , Blogger Wonderwood said...

Thanks, Sarah. It is hard, but I also have a lot to be grateful for. I was able to spend a lot of time with my father in the months prior to his passing, I was able to make some amends, and we were able to pull together as a family and honor his wishes of how he wanted things to go. I am hit with waves of sadness, but I can turn it around and be thankful. I do appreciate your support. Thanks.

 
At 7:44 AM , Blogger Sarah Laurenson said...

My father and I had a very rocky relationship. When he was diagnosed, we knew he had about a year to live. During that year, I got to spend time with him and let him know - through words and actions - how much I loved him. I also got to think a lot about what did I really want to say and what questions did I want to ask and what could be put to rest without stirring up the painful past. It has been a huge gift in my life to have had that time with him and have no regrets now that he's gone.

 
At 5:45 AM , Blogger Robin S. said...

Hi Wood,

Glad to see you're back and things are at least tacitly back to what we think of as normal(whatever that is).

My father died on election day eight years ago. I still miss him. Even though our relationship was contentious, we knew each other better than anyone else ever knew us. It was strange.

My mother is still living - but I know what you mean about detachment - about feeling unanchored. To be honest, I felt that way from the day my father died - that I'd been left alone.

Anyway - you're so right - it really is a different feeling.

 
At 8:04 PM , Blogger GutterBall said...

Thinking in a loved one's voice is perfectly normal. I do it all the time. So long as you know it's you thinking in someone else's voice, there's nothing wrong with it. In fact, I find it extremely comforting.

I'm so sorry about your father. You may not consciously know it, but you were a good son to him. I know, deep down in my heart, that he was proud of you. And he knew that you loved him. That's all any father really wants, I think.

You heal at your own pace, kiddo, and don't let anyone tell you that any part of your grief is unusual. If grief wasn't personal, it wouldn't be so hard to get through. You do what you have to to get used to this new situation. Including thinking in your dad's voice and from his point of view.

 
At 5:46 PM , Blogger Wonderwood said...

Hey, Robin. Thanks for your support, you know I appreciate it. You were right there with me as I was going north and south, and I appreciate your support throughout. You're a good pal.

Hiya GeeBee, thanks for your kind words. I agree, this is a pretty normal feeling. It's not my first bout with the loss of a loved one, and though each one has been different from the others, I've learned from each experience. I find that I'm able to grieve in manageable chunks of time. I can't say I did that when my best friend died, but I know from that experience that wallowing in self-pity is not the answer. Anyway, thanks for your kind thoughts and words. I hope you're behaving yourself and staying out of the men's locker room.

 
At 5:53 PM , Blogger ChrisEldin said...

I haven't been here for a long time (I'm clicking on Sarah's sidebar right now).
{Hugs} I haven't met this phase of life yet. I can't imagine how strange it must feel. I'm so sorry for your loss...

 
At 10:41 AM , Blogger Sarah Laurenson said...

Hi Wood,
Just checking in to say Hi and that I'm thinking of you. Hope you're hanging in there.

 
At 7:19 PM , Blogger GutterBall said...

I hope you're behaving yourself and staying out of the men's locker room.

Um...of course I am.

*coughs-NOT-coughs*

*sheepish* What can I say? There's way more interesting stuff in the guy's locker room. Heheh.

 
At 7:10 AM , Blogger Conduit said...

I haven't been around this way in a while, and I'm sorry I missed this when you posted it. My condolences.

 
At 9:00 PM , Blogger Wonderwood said...

Thanks, Stuart. I hope all is going well with you and your novel. You must be pretty excited. I can't wait to pick up a copy, I'll be checking the stores. I hope it blows the critics away!

 

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