tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-34499700.post822839534600124619..comments2014-06-01T14:31:07.683-07:00Comments on Second Thoughts: Chapter FourWonderwoodhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13118126631519254865noreply@blogger.comBlogger8125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-34499700.post-5975883662730668312007-03-30T17:09:00.000-07:002007-03-30T17:09:00.000-07:00Kanani, thanks so much for your comments! I really...Kanani, thanks so much for your comments! I really appreciate you taking the time to read and give thought to that chapter. I agree with every one of your comments. In fact, in the manuscript, I've eliminated the paragraph about Gator's crash. I did that a couple of days ago, actually. Also, I've rewritten the paragraph describing Gator and I do say that he likes the "pirate appeal" that the patch gives him, that's why he wears it.<BR/><BR/>Getting rid of "prototypical Harley guy" is an excellent suggestion, and yes I will get rid of it. No need to tell if I'm showing.<BR/><BR/>I won't say that the chapter posted is a first draft, but it's certainly not the last, and these kinds of comments help me tighten not only this chapter, but all of my writing, so thank you!<BR/><BR/>Funny you mention Elmore Leonard. He's in my top three favorite writers, along with Raymond Chandler and Mark Twain.<BR/><BR/>And yes, please do link me on The Writerly Pause. I'd be honored. I need to put some links on this blog, I just haven't tried to figure out how to do it. Nothing but laziness on my part :-(<BR/><BR/>I'm tempted to post chapter five and see if I can entice you to read it ;-) Just kidding, I wouldn't try to impose on you. Thanks again, Kanani, I truly appreciate your help!Wonderwoodhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13118126631519254865noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-34499700.post-20833585796404445702007-03-30T08:59:00.000-07:002007-03-30T08:59:00.000-07:00'keep a check on that STUFF,' sorry about the typo...'keep a check on that STUFF,' sorry about the typo.Kananihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08317494343177263398noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-34499700.post-73164135369838157742007-03-30T08:57:00.000-07:002007-03-30T08:57:00.000-07:00Normally, I'd mark the page up and send it to you....Normally, I'd mark the page up and send it to you. But since I'm not sure how stamps work anymore, I'll make some general observations.<BR/><BR/>I think you "see" things perfectly clear, and you've created an engaging situation. There's lots of description and you know your characters. You also have that elusive thing called voice. I hope my comments will help you strengthen your writing.<BR/><BR/>First off. Pretend I'm just picking up the page for the first time. This dialog is good. You don't waste time, your words aren't treading water (as in 'Hi, How Are You, Fine, Ok). <BR/><BR/>But I wonder, who is saying what? <BR/>You don't need a lot of attribution, but here and there, put in a 'he said' just so that I can keep it straight. <BR/><BR/>Also, pay attention to your sentence beginnings in your paragraphs. In the paragraph that describes Gator, "he" starts off many of the sentences. Strive for some variation.<BR/><BR/>The way to do it is to go through your sentences and figure out which of the details are the most important. Can you get rid of 'prototypical Harley guy' when in fact, you're showing us? <BR/><BR/>Then boil it down into a new paragraph that's shorter, tighter and packs more punch. I think the very last sentence about the eye patch is the one that tells me the most about him. By the way, does he know that it gives him appeal? Is this why he chooses the patch over a glass eye? <BR/><BR/>Things like that can clarify Gator's personality.<BR/><BR/>Also, be careful about getting lost in the details. Like all the stuff about Gator's movements. Just keep a check on that staff.<BR/><BR/>I like that Gator has a basset hound. It's totally unexpected. But it shows a different side to him, a good one. And kudos to you for not giving him a rottweiler.<BR/><BR/>You might want to keep the pace flowing by eliminating all the details of the limp, the chase, the surgeon. If it isn't pertinent to your scene, mention that he walks with a limp. Somewhere else, maybe at the beginning, briefly describe Gator as an old bounty hunter.<BR/><BR/>In other words, while how he got the limp is important for you to know personally, the reader is only wondering what happens next. <BR/><BR/>I love the Dixie Mafia. But do go through and tighten these 5 paragraphs. Think of what Elmore Leonard does when he talks about bad or stupid guys.<BR/><BR/>Overall, very engaging. You write well, you like your story.Kananihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08317494343177263398noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-34499700.post-66689866289239331232007-03-29T20:42:00.000-07:002007-03-29T20:42:00.000-07:00Good! We'll link you to our blog, okay? Do you min...Good! We'll link you to our blog, okay? Do you mind? You can link ours.<BR/>Anyway, next month we'll talk to Al Martinez, a Pulitzer Prize winning journalist.Kananihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08317494343177263398noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-34499700.post-4838155404578951752007-03-29T20:06:00.000-07:002007-03-29T20:06:00.000-07:00Very cool blog, Kanani! Thanks for the invitation....Very cool blog, Kanani! Thanks for the invitation. Interesting interviews, and encouraging insights. I'll be a regular reader of that blog.Wonderwoodhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13118126631519254865noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-34499700.post-11903540256856217712007-03-28T21:10:00.000-07:002007-03-28T21:10:00.000-07:00Hey.... no ruminations?Thought you'd like our new ...Hey.... no ruminations?<BR/><BR/>Thought you'd like our new writers' group blog. It's only interviews with all sorts of writers:<BR/><BR/><A HREF="http://thewriterlypause.blogspot.com" REL="nofollow">The Writerly Pause</A><BR/><BR/>Come check us out, WW.Kananihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08317494343177263398noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-34499700.post-57517269551078637772007-02-22T18:03:00.000-08:002007-02-22T18:03:00.000-08:00Thanks GB! I like him too, can't wait for him to g...Thanks GB! I like him too, can't wait for him to get more involved (and he will). I noticed a few things that need changing as I was reading it again. Nothing major, but some improvements can be made. It's funny how just seeing the words in a different format, you notice new things. Anyway, I appreciate all your comments, you've been very helpful. You've pointed out some things in previous chapters that make me take a closer look, and that's what a critique is all about. Most helpful, my friend. Thanks!Wonderwoodhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13118126631519254865noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-34499700.post-56015738197237983622007-02-22T17:01:00.000-08:002007-02-22T17:01:00.000-08:00I love this chapter. I really don't have anything ...I love this chapter. I really don't have anything else to say. Gator is perfect, and I love him. Excellent job, WW!GutterBallhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17943760313844692975noreply@blogger.com